The first ring

We've all had to make a phone-call we didn't particularly want to. Personally, I don't like talking to people on the phone - I much prefer face-to-face interaction, so as to properly engage with someone. This makes long-distance relationships difficult... But this blog post isn't about that.

There's something about phone-calls which make me very self-aware. I feel much more nervous before a phone-call than before I get up in front of people on a stage, or to host a presentation. I'm not sure why this is exactly - but in the case of all the important phone-calls in my life I've always done them with a pen and paper by my side... And a series of notes.

I doubt many readers have had to make a phone-call to their girlfriend's Dad, to ask his blessing for you to propose to his daughter. Boy, I wish I still had the notes from that phone-call! They'd have made horrific and ridiculous reading!

I've always wanted to do it that way - asking permission, I mean. I guess it comes partly from my beliefs in male headship in the family (a potential future blog-post?!), and partly out of a respect for Fi's parents and the Christian family they fashioned -  one which I'm sure Fi will agree she has been blessed to be a part of.

There's a beautiful picture in the wedding service, where the father of the bride "gives away" his daughter to the groom. It shows that the primary responsibility for the bride's well-being no longer lies with the father, but with the groom. I felt, therefore, that it was imperative that I make that call.

As I say, I was nervous - what if he said no? What if he's never really liked me? What would our next move be then? (All questions which say much about me and my character, and nothing at all about his!) I'd never planned to do this by phone by the way, but our flight to New York was in 5 days, and I had no time to get to Leyland and back in that time!

I left my coffee date with Mark, and went home to make the call. He assured me he was praying. I did too, then dialled the digits. Never before has a phone ringing caused me so much stress...

What a brilliant phone-call! Done in under 5 minutes would you believe! (Lengthier conversations were saved for post-NY). If I could remember exactly what was said then I would share, but most of it was a blur. What's important is that God turned all my worries about making that step into one of the most weird and wonderful evenings of my life. I felt now that I should ring my parents. Typically, they were halfway out the door when I rang ("We can't really chat - can you ring later??"), but their elation told me exactly how they felt about my news.

Sharing this experience with all four of the parentals was lovely for several reasons.

First, I knew had a family of people praying for us from a week before I even proposed. To be able to share this exciting news with older Christians, and have their support, guidance and wisdom was a blessing then, and continues to be now as we plan our lives. To have four brilliant Christian role-models surrounding us as we make plans is something which I am massively grateful for.

We're aware that we're lucky in this area - but a brief word for those couples without strong parental examples to follow... You see, the only reason our parents are so brilliant in these areas are because they follow Jesus' example - an example that's free for all to follow! Don't be discouraged through lack of good example; our influence should come first from Jesus, and second from those around us.

Secondly, we had a secret! For the best part of a week, the only people who knew about this were me and Mark and the four parents. For once in the relationship, I'd taken a giant step ahead; now I just had to convince Fi that I WASN'T going to propose in New York.

Coffee & Confessions: Part 1

Funnily enough - Fi sent me a text this morning which said that, had we we stuck to our "original plan", then we still wouldn't be engaged, even now. Stubbornly, our plan was to have as short an engagement as possible, and then to marry immediately upon my graduation.

Only one of those is now true.

Both might have still been true, if Mark hadn't been free for coffee when I asked him in late February...

At that point, I'd felt something for weeks that the upcoming Uni trip to New York might mean something significant for me and Fi, who was tagging along with me and my course mates. God had been prodding me - through conversations with friends, through prayer, through coincidence... All sorts of ways. But did I listen? Nah.

I'm not particularly gifted at recognising when God speaks - in fact it's only now, looking back at pre-New York, that I can clearly recognise God at work.

With less than a week to go, my head was a mess - I had no idea what I should do about the contrasting things I was thinking and hearing. I needed to chat things through with a friend... and a coffee, of course. I confessed my stubborn engagement plan to him...

"I'll say what I often say to people" he said to me, "you could be dead tomorrow." I nearly choked on my Caramel Macchiato. Cheers, mate.

Of course, he wasn't wrong! I could have been! And I guess what he was saying is that, seeing as me and Fi have been wanting to get married for a couple of years already, why not make the first part of that commitment now. We couldn't take control of the timing of or marriage, but we could let each other know our feelings through the commitment of engagement now.

That was one part of the situation we could take control of - a sort of "live for the moment" philosophy.

I'm so thankful for Mark, and the way God used him in that situation. He helped my see that handing things over to God was the safest place for them to be, and since doing that I've had such peace! Our relationship feels so secure, now that we've made tangible steps to obey God and his timing.

Of course, this isn't something which I'd encourage in everyone. Much of the Phil and Fi story is influenced by the fact that we've been together six-and-a-half years, and I certainly wouldn't say that proposing to a girl is the only way you can find security. No, true security comes when you're both wanting the same things from the relationship, and that those things are things God wants too.I truly believe that this is the conclusion God wanted me to come to, and this has been proven by the wonderful blessing this summer's wedding planning has been (flower arrangements aside).

But the principle that can be taken from this story is that God's timing is best (I seem to be repeating that a lot at the moment - perhaps I'm reminding myself!). Committing relationships to God is the safest place for them - He won't let you down.

There's more I could say here - but I'll save it for with my next coffee.

Whose Timing?

I hate the Sound of Music, so the Phil and Fi story, for that reason alone, is not going to start at the very beginning. A beginning, but not the beginning, will be our very good place to start.

After six years of "dating", it was sweet relief that in March of this year, I could finally ask Fi to marry me. After spending so long being a couple with no rights to any sort of permanence, making it official was something I'd been waiting to do for at least the last three years.

Those six years may be a later blog post, but for now I think it best to fill in gap between NYE 2011, and that bridge in Central Park, New York.

You see, we've known for a while that the only thing stopping us getting married is me being away, finishing my degree. Summer 2013's been in our heads for a while now. But, we'd been entertaining the fanciful idea that summer 2012 could be on the cards. As new year rolled around, and the necessary plans hadn't fallen into place, the idea became more and more fanciful.

I had so wanted to have been able to hug Fi at New Year and tell her that this was our year, that our wedding date was written in the same diary I would start using the following morning, but this wasn't to be.

What I did know, however, was that it was this calendar year that would contain the date of our engagement, and it was this fact that I revealed to her that evening. I'm not sure she was surprised - not much is a surprise with us any more! 

The question was when. After such a long relationship, I wanted to avoid too long an engagement - and so my thinking was for the tail-end of the year, perhaps Bonfire Night, which is one of our favourite nights of the year. Stubbornly, I disregarded all other options.

Fortunately, several people intervened in my thinking, and I write this post six months into a fifteen-and-a-half month engagement.

It's more normal for Christians to have short engagements - what's the point in hanging around if you know? Also, we're impatient! I want to live with Fi now! But, these last few months have taught me a lot about God's timing, and a lot about mine.

Much of our relationship has been a lesson in letting go, and leaving things up to God. Timing is a big one - as much as I'd love to be in control, I'm just not. Me going against my stubborn will, and proposing when I did, was a way in which I handed the reins over to God.

After all, our relationship is all about him, so he should be in charge, right?

Having a longer engagement than we'd initially wanted has not only helped practically (most prep has already been done this summer!), but it's helped emotionally too! I've been able to appreciate this new period in our relationship. It feels differently the same, which is a confusing phrase I'll blog about later.

To be continued...

My side

Some things you only ever see from one perspective. And depending on who you speak to, you can end up getting a very one-sided view on an issue. It's always good to have the whole picture, isn't it?

I'm a big football fan, so excuse me if I use a football analogy. If you wanted to know exactly how a match went, then you couldn't just speak to one set of fans to gauge an opinion. For a fuller picture of how BOTH teams played, you'd have to talk to both sets of fans involved.

Fi reads a lot of blogs. Mostly written by women, often about relationships, family, life. It struck us that on issues of relationships, it's often only a women's opinion that is released into the blogosphere. Men? Well, for one we prefer to keep our emotions in, I mean, that's what we're meant to do, right?

"You should blog about us!" said Fi to me one day (a while back - I've been busy, which is man-speak for "I've been putting it off"). You see, I love to write, but don't make as much time as I'd like to for it. I make more time for my degree work, my CU work, my social time...

But the beauty of blogging about Fi and I is threefold:

1. I can write passionately about a girl whom I love, a relationship which has taught me more than anything else in my life, and a God who sustains and protects us.

2. It's somewhat of a niche. Yes, I know there are plenty of men who blog about similar things, but there are still far less male bloggers than female bloggers in this area. Hopefully, the things I write here can be an insight into the thoughts of the male side of the relationship, and an encouragement to men in similar situations.

3. The inspiration never runs dry! Six months ago, Fi said yes to a question which means that we'll be together for as long as we both shall live. I will continue to grow and learn in the remaining 10 months of our engagement, and then for the decades which will hopefully follow.

So I hope you'll read with me something which I hope shares thoughts and encouragements, and rebuke me when I use this space as a soapbox.