Coffee & Confessions: Part 1

Funnily enough - Fi sent me a text this morning which said that, had we we stuck to our "original plan", then we still wouldn't be engaged, even now. Stubbornly, our plan was to have as short an engagement as possible, and then to marry immediately upon my graduation.

Only one of those is now true.

Both might have still been true, if Mark hadn't been free for coffee when I asked him in late February...

At that point, I'd felt something for weeks that the upcoming Uni trip to New York might mean something significant for me and Fi, who was tagging along with me and my course mates. God had been prodding me - through conversations with friends, through prayer, through coincidence... All sorts of ways. But did I listen? Nah.

I'm not particularly gifted at recognising when God speaks - in fact it's only now, looking back at pre-New York, that I can clearly recognise God at work.

With less than a week to go, my head was a mess - I had no idea what I should do about the contrasting things I was thinking and hearing. I needed to chat things through with a friend... and a coffee, of course. I confessed my stubborn engagement plan to him...

"I'll say what I often say to people" he said to me, "you could be dead tomorrow." I nearly choked on my Caramel Macchiato. Cheers, mate.

Of course, he wasn't wrong! I could have been! And I guess what he was saying is that, seeing as me and Fi have been wanting to get married for a couple of years already, why not make the first part of that commitment now. We couldn't take control of the timing of or marriage, but we could let each other know our feelings through the commitment of engagement now.

That was one part of the situation we could take control of - a sort of "live for the moment" philosophy.

I'm so thankful for Mark, and the way God used him in that situation. He helped my see that handing things over to God was the safest place for them to be, and since doing that I've had such peace! Our relationship feels so secure, now that we've made tangible steps to obey God and his timing.

Of course, this isn't something which I'd encourage in everyone. Much of the Phil and Fi story is influenced by the fact that we've been together six-and-a-half years, and I certainly wouldn't say that proposing to a girl is the only way you can find security. No, true security comes when you're both wanting the same things from the relationship, and that those things are things God wants too.I truly believe that this is the conclusion God wanted me to come to, and this has been proven by the wonderful blessing this summer's wedding planning has been (flower arrangements aside).

But the principle that can be taken from this story is that God's timing is best (I seem to be repeating that a lot at the moment - perhaps I'm reminding myself!). Committing relationships to God is the safest place for them - He won't let you down.

There's more I could say here - but I'll save it for with my next coffee.

Taking God out of the box

For one reason or another, I haven't got round to blogging about CU this term so far - my bad! It's become difficult to balance all the various things I'm getting up to, but as I've a bit of time now I thought it right to share some thoughts on what was a brilliant and blessing of an evening last night.

Bible Studies, Cell Groups, Support Groups, Growth Groups... Whatever you call them, they can be difficult to get right. Much more so when you're dealing with people of all sorts of backgrounds, denominational preferences, etc. So how do we do a "one-size-fits-all" Small Group at Wolves CU?

I'm not claiming to have any universal answers, but we tried something different yesterday, and the general consensus was that it worked well.

One of the ways in which I've grown since moving to Uni has been in the way I've noticed that God can't be restricted by our own personal understandings of him. In coming to Uni, it was as if I'd packed God into one of my boxes - I knew how he worked and how he would speak to me. I was a Christian, sure, but plenty of my understanding of God was on my terms, limited to what I thought was "good Christian practice" or "the right way to do things".

Since moving to Wolves, I met so so many different Christians, most of whom have had an impact on the way I now view God. Through visiting so many different churches (until that point I had only ever attended one church in my life - a fabulous and brilliant church which I miss dearly, but one church nonetheless) God opened my eyes to the many different ways in which he speaks to people.

People are different, and so the way in which God speaks to people must surely differ.

What's this got to do with last night's Small Group? Well it was in realising the many different ways we can communicate with God that we began discussing a three-pronged approach to Small Groups: Bible, Prayer, Sung Worship.

Now the first two have always had a presence, and as an evangelical I will always maintain that of the three the Bible is the most pivotal, and takes precedence over other two. But we had sidelined prayer somewhat, and the thought of singing in a place that wasn't a church service would have had me running for the door two years ago.

But the brilliant thing is, God can speak as powerfully to us through truths we sing, truths we pray, and truths we read. Last night, as we allowed people a variety of different ways in which to engage with God, we really felt that it allowed everyone a chance to meet with God in a personal way, rather than in a way which is forced by whoever's leading.

Some may prefer one of the three, and see that as the way they really connect with God - and that's fine. But I have found real joy in discovering that God isn't confined to just one or another. God is so much bigger than we can ever think, and in many ways even writing this is pointless, such does it offer on a debate about the size of our God. 

But - God wants us to get to know him, and hopefully through engaging with him in such a variety of ways, we may be able to do just that.

Whose Timing?

I hate the Sound of Music, so the Phil and Fi story, for that reason alone, is not going to start at the very beginning. A beginning, but not the beginning, will be our very good place to start.

After six years of "dating", it was sweet relief that in March of this year, I could finally ask Fi to marry me. After spending so long being a couple with no rights to any sort of permanence, making it official was something I'd been waiting to do for at least the last three years.

Those six years may be a later blog post, but for now I think it best to fill in gap between NYE 2011, and that bridge in Central Park, New York.

You see, we've known for a while that the only thing stopping us getting married is me being away, finishing my degree. Summer 2013's been in our heads for a while now. But, we'd been entertaining the fanciful idea that summer 2012 could be on the cards. As new year rolled around, and the necessary plans hadn't fallen into place, the idea became more and more fanciful.

I had so wanted to have been able to hug Fi at New Year and tell her that this was our year, that our wedding date was written in the same diary I would start using the following morning, but this wasn't to be.

What I did know, however, was that it was this calendar year that would contain the date of our engagement, and it was this fact that I revealed to her that evening. I'm not sure she was surprised - not much is a surprise with us any more! 

The question was when. After such a long relationship, I wanted to avoid too long an engagement - and so my thinking was for the tail-end of the year, perhaps Bonfire Night, which is one of our favourite nights of the year. Stubbornly, I disregarded all other options.

Fortunately, several people intervened in my thinking, and I write this post six months into a fifteen-and-a-half month engagement.

It's more normal for Christians to have short engagements - what's the point in hanging around if you know? Also, we're impatient! I want to live with Fi now! But, these last few months have taught me a lot about God's timing, and a lot about mine.

Much of our relationship has been a lesson in letting go, and leaving things up to God. Timing is a big one - as much as I'd love to be in control, I'm just not. Me going against my stubborn will, and proposing when I did, was a way in which I handed the reins over to God.

After all, our relationship is all about him, so he should be in charge, right?

Having a longer engagement than we'd initially wanted has not only helped practically (most prep has already been done this summer!), but it's helped emotionally too! I've been able to appreciate this new period in our relationship. It feels differently the same, which is a confusing phrase I'll blog about later.

To be continued...

My side

Some things you only ever see from one perspective. And depending on who you speak to, you can end up getting a very one-sided view on an issue. It's always good to have the whole picture, isn't it?

I'm a big football fan, so excuse me if I use a football analogy. If you wanted to know exactly how a match went, then you couldn't just speak to one set of fans to gauge an opinion. For a fuller picture of how BOTH teams played, you'd have to talk to both sets of fans involved.

Fi reads a lot of blogs. Mostly written by women, often about relationships, family, life. It struck us that on issues of relationships, it's often only a women's opinion that is released into the blogosphere. Men? Well, for one we prefer to keep our emotions in, I mean, that's what we're meant to do, right?

"You should blog about us!" said Fi to me one day (a while back - I've been busy, which is man-speak for "I've been putting it off"). You see, I love to write, but don't make as much time as I'd like to for it. I make more time for my degree work, my CU work, my social time...

But the beauty of blogging about Fi and I is threefold:

1. I can write passionately about a girl whom I love, a relationship which has taught me more than anything else in my life, and a God who sustains and protects us.

2. It's somewhat of a niche. Yes, I know there are plenty of men who blog about similar things, but there are still far less male bloggers than female bloggers in this area. Hopefully, the things I write here can be an insight into the thoughts of the male side of the relationship, and an encouragement to men in similar situations.

3. The inspiration never runs dry! Six months ago, Fi said yes to a question which means that we'll be together for as long as we both shall live. I will continue to grow and learn in the remaining 10 months of our engagement, and then for the decades which will hopefully follow.

So I hope you'll read with me something which I hope shares thoughts and encouragements, and rebuke me when I use this space as a soapbox.

Priorities

One thing I've always struggled with is priorities. I like to keep busy - you'll probably find I'm at my best when there's plenty going on in my life, but in terms of putting things in the right order I'm often guilty of prioritising the wrong thing, and neglecting the things which really need my time.


I guess we're always told as Christians that God should be our first priority. Well, yes... And no.


If I make my Uni work a priority over my time in the pub, then that means I completely forgo the pub, and spend time at home working on a design, an essay, a project. If I make my social time a priority over my Uni work, then I'll completely forgo (for a short while at least!) my Uni work, and go to the pub with some friends.


If I'm to make God just one of a set of priorities, then we get one of two outcomes.


If we liken God to my work in situation one - then that leaves very little time for anything else in life. Spending time with him one-on-one, spending time praying, spending time at church - all this is vital. But spending no time outside of this bubble isn't what God wants for us. He wants us embracing his wide world, he wants us to spend time with people who aren't Christians, he wants us to raise families, get degrees, work hard... and play hard too!


If we liken God to my work in situation two, then we're in a very sticky situation. This implies that actually, he comes second, and we only focus on him when other stuff is finished, and is out of the way. Of course, I don't need to expound why this is a bad way to be, although I know it's something I all too easily slip into.


So if God isn't priority one OR two, where do we place him?


Who likes Blackpool rock? Personally I can't stand the stuff - but have you noticed how on the sticks they have the words "Blackpool Rock" running right through them? No matter where you break the rock, you'll read these words, and no what it is you're dealing with!


May I suggest God must be these words, and that the stick of rock our lives? You see, it's not that God should occupy a place on our list of priorities, but he should be the reason each one of those things are on our list. He needs to be present in every area - our work, our family, our friendships, our time in the pub... Only then is this true worship of him. 


This has certainly helped me in recent weeks. Recognising God is far too important to just occupy a ranking in our lives, and that he fully deserves to be involved in everything we do glorifies him, and motivates us to include him in all we get up to. 

Palm Sunday - motivated by love

Someone put an interesting thought to me this week. She referenced the oft-quoted line that Jesus "had to die" and wondered how that worked alongside the fact the Jesus died because he loved us... How can it be that true love is shown by someone forced to do something? Well, it's not.


On Palm Sunday we see Jesus entering Jerusalem on a donkey, knowing that he's going there to die (Luke 18:31-34). Now I don't know about you, but if I knew that entering a certain city would result in my death I'd run a mile. Jesus shows real determination and guts to enter Jerusalem and face his fate.


It's easy to forget that whilst Jesus was fully God, he was also fully man. He'd have felt the same emotions we would have in his position - fear, nervousness, perhaps even anger.


But despite this Jesus walks boldly into Jerusalem. Why? He's motivated by love. There's your "had to die". It's the same feeling I have when thinking of my loved ones. We act not out of feeling we ought, but out of a choice made deep down in our affection for another.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us..." says John. Jesus could have turned and walked away from Jerusalem. He didn't. He could have avoided the Garden of Gethsemane, and thus being arrested. He didn't. He could have, as he was mocked about, come down from the cross and saved himself. He didn't. Why? Love.


Saying "Jesus had to die" makes out that Jesus was purely motivated by what WE needed, which is only halfway true. Yes, he was motivated by our need for a Saviour - but not because we demand it, rather it's because he wants to give it. We don't own Jesus - Jesus owns us by what he did for us and in spite of us. He chose to die for us, and we had no right to expect him to.


So reconciling those two concepts becomes easier when we see that one affects the other. It's my love for my fiancee which motivates me to care for her and to love her sacrificially. It's my parents love for me which motivates them to care for me and to love me sacrificially. Just as it was Jesus' love for us which motivated him to care for us, and to love us sacrificially. What a magnificent God we have.

Acts 9

Last night's study was challenging in a couple of ways - just thought I'd briefly share how I thought we can all be challenged. Feel free to disagree.


Firstly: If God can save Saul, then is there anyone he can't save? There are only a few verses between Saul setting out to "destroy the church" and Saul "proving that Jesus was the Christ". How awesome is that? The challenge to us is to let God be the boss of who can and can't believe, not us. Regardless of our views on the P word, God is far more loving than we often are, and so it makes far more sense for us to trust him in our outreach. Our vision statement is to "give every student on campus the chance to hear about and respond to Jesus". How well do we fulfil the "every student" part of that vision?


Secondly: We chatted for a while in our small group about the impact Saul had on the setting he was in, and discussed what we should learn from that. When we read about people's actions in the Bible, I don't think we're called to copy them to the letter. Rather, we have to identify the ways in which we can mirror the impact Saul had in Damascus and Jerusalem, and replicate that impact on our campus.


I realise this post is slightly different, but I thought throwing a load of questions out there might help us in our thinking, and might spark discussion. Feel free!